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It’s a long way to Spangly Woods, tucked away as it is on the border of a small town, the birds find it easy enough but now that the old manor has been torn down & the estate left to go to seed few people care to venture there anymore.If you could look down upon England from a great height it would be impossible to spot, you could gaze down over Cornwall where suspicious villagers eye each other across the centuries & bemoan the fact that there’s no-one else but outsiders from other villages to breed with, you could wander over to Norfolk & East Anglia where they have no truck with such thoughts & only exist in some families because Dad really fancies Dad. Above the vile cesspit of vileness that is London you could saunter & for all the machinations of greed & plunder beneath you there would be no sign at all of a pleasant little wood & its’ unwary citizens, over the Midlands, if you could stand the smog of industrial ineptitude & stomach the sight of so much concrete there would be no reason to ponder further as the poor folk there have many problems unrelated to woodland traits. Even the Lake District with its’ obsessions with Daffodils doesn’t hold Spangly Wood to its’ breast being as it’s not there & besides, no-one’s wrote a daft poem about it, Lancashire has no claim either for all its’ footballing prowess, no-one within Spangly Wood would dream of kicking a hedgehog & that’s all there is to kick. Tyneside cannot hold both Spangly Wood & a great shipbuilding tradition so there’s no point looking there, no, to find Spangly Woods you must travel to the back waters of Yorkshire, to where the Ridings run proud still & where the people wont sell you the time of day without wanting a receipt. It’s Gods’ own country & if God turned out to be a tight bugger then at least he always had enough brass for a decent cap, & there, quite content to drift through time unnoticed lies Spangly Wood, a place where great change will happen soon, but not yet, not right now, but soon. (continue reading…)

” You want to talk about it? ” Tom asked Bryan, Bryan looked up at him, ” I don’t know ” he said, ” Let’s get some food first eh? “, it was a good idea, misery didn’t sit well on an empty stomach & there’d be little to eat at home today, everyone was too occupied with tragedy to notice meals which in Bryans’ opinion was a tragedy in itself. Together the otter & the badger snuffled through the undergrowth, there was a family of voles complaining about their lack of dinner which filled a spot until some unwary mice came too far out of their run & discovered that it was in fact too late to run.They weren’t happy but as Bryan said to Tom, ” They stop moaning as soon as you bite their heads off “, Tom couldn’t argue with that, ” It’s the same with the fish ” he said, ” You’d think they’d stop being surprised but no, always the shock “, it was odd the way food objected to being food thought Bryan but he had no time to ponder on it now. It was nearly time for bed but he couldn’t face going home yet, sighing heavily & chewing idly on a passing snail he sat back against a tree, Tom otter lay down nearby & finished off his mouse, he’d get some fish later but mouse was a welcome change, he drew the line at snails though, he hated the way the bits of shell got stuck between his teeth. (continue reading…)

That evening Bryans’ mother went nuts, she was livid, it was Linda this & Ian that followed by wailings of fury & ” It’s a ferret isn’t it? ” along with ” Who is it? I demand to know who or what your dirty little self is getting into! “, it was all a bit much really but even Bryan knew that telling Mum that he was moving out in order to find out himself what he could get his dirty little self into wasn’t going to help. His dad took the news quite well, ” I don’t blame you son ” he said, ” I’m surprised you’ve stayed this long “, it was a long speech for him & Bryan was glad of the support, ” besides, ” said his dad wistfully, ” You’ll never get any if you stay here “. Dad shut up after this & Bryan was fairly grateful about it, mum was set to go all night though & eventually he waited until her back was turned & left, it felt awful going but a damn sight better than staying was going to be now, he just hoped that the old sett was usable, the thought of crawling back home was too terrible to consider. It was a warm evening as Bryan meandered through the trees munching on a low flying bat, if you discarded the wings then they were comparable with mice, waiting for him at the great sycamore were Tom otter & John fox, John hadn’t come to dig but he’d just snagged a rabbit close by & decided to stay & watch. As he began to devour the rabbit who probably would have turned out to be Bryans’ neighbour if he hadn’t become Johns’ dinner Bryan & Tom got on with renovating the old sett. (continue reading…)

It was the same every Autumn thought Bryan the badger as he attempted once again to get the channel guide to come up, no matter what you did or how you planned it the batteries in the remote always died with Summer. He wouldn’t have minded so much but he’d done all the hard work in getting the sett ready for winter & had even built a new toilet at last, getting new batteries out in Spangly Woods meant dealing with the squirrels & that was never straightforward, squirrels are mean little sods. Still, they’d certainly cornered the market in AA & AAA batteries & he knew why as well, sure they could get batteries but only because they’d never got the hang of subscription services, that & because high in the trees is no place for a big screen tv, Bryan may be far beneath them socially but he had a 42” flat LCD & they knew it, it’s why he just knew it was going to be expensive. (continue reading…)

The next day word had got even further around the woods & quite a crowd gathered about the cottage, the badgers weren’t all that pleased to find that most had shown up in expectation of fried mole but the moles weren’t all that wild about it either. Fearing the worst the badgers held a quick conference with the deer about whether to go ahead, ” Of course we go ahead ” said the deer, ” there’s loads of bloody moles ” By mid-morning there was a fair sized trench dug & almost everyone was full, Trevor mole had been cursing all morning about mole genocide until an over curious rabbit had fallen into the trench at which point there was a mighty cheer from the remaining moles who promptly broke for lunch. Now well fed & much more well informed about the vague nature of electrical power the moles set to work repairing the odd snakes that were its’ home, the brighter moles had by this time sent word out to moles all across the woods & although there were accusations of old scores being settled everyone agreed that it was nicer to eat strangers. (continue reading…)

It was too late that day to do anything with the magic boxes until it got light again so the woodland folk got on with finding enough to eat, they were warned though that the moles would be needed still so they were to avoid them if possible. This was good news for the moles but in all honesty they were in little danger since by now everyone only wanted them if they’d been fried. The thought of the boxes kept everyone excited though, weasels gossiped to stoats, badgers to owls & otters to foxes, technically the mice & voles talked to everyone too but as they mainly only said things like ” Ow ” no-one listened to them much, as the weasels said, if you had to chat to your food then there was something seriously wrong with the world. The night wore on in much the same way it had for eons in Spangly Wood, the foxes couldn’t decide whether rabbit tasted better or worse than hare so they had both, out amongst the trees the weasels & stoats played share the mouse while all about them owls happened to voles & bats sucked moths from the air. Bryan the badger wondered how much if anything would change come the morning, it was too late to go back now though he thought as he peeled his frog, he’d never liked the skin, for better or worse the magic boxes were here & he so wanted to see what they did. (continue reading…)

It was a time of odd happenings in Spangly Woods, all around the bushes & streams life went on but not quite as normal, new ideas flitted silently from mind to mind & it was only a matter of time before it all went wrong. It was easy to spot those who had access to a TV thought Tom otter as he ambled from the stream clutching an unfortunate trout, only the day before he’d seen three rabbits desperately trying to fashion jackets from leaves, it wasn’t going well & was hampered by their search for lettuce. It wasn’t as though the animals could really understand the people language but with constant exposure some of it was getting through to the brighter ones, here comes another one he thought as Bryan the badger came around a tree. ” Morning Tom ” said Bryan, ” lovely day isn’t it? “, Tom regarded Bryan intently, ” What’s up with you? ” he asked, ” Me? ” said Bryan, ” nothing wrong with me “. There was an uncomfortable silence, ” You’re walking funny ” said Tom, ” Oh ” said Bryan, ” It’s my pocket giving me trouble “, there was another silence, ” I thought it was strange you having a big green tail ” said Tom, ” pockets eh? “. Bryan looked a bit sheepish, ” Well, ” he said, ” I saw them on the TV &…. “, Tom looked Bryan straight in the eye, ” Badgers don’t have pockets Bryan ” he said, Bryans’ sheepish look grew wool, ” Admit it Bryan ” said Tom, ” You, a noble woodland creature are walking about with some onions up your bottom, aren’t you? “. The leaves were a bit of a giveaway thought Bryan, ” It’s a pocket ” he mumbled, ” It’s your arse ” said Tom, ” Are you really going to eat them now? “, Bryan sighed & slowly removed the onions & threw them away, it was an idea that had its’ merits but possibly not for the unclothed. ” Come on “said Tom not unkindly, ” I’ll show you something that’ll cheer you up ” the two woodland chums headed off through the trees, a short time afterwards two deer came by, ” Free onions ” one said, there was the sound of munching then one deer turned to the other, ” Is it just me or do these onions taste like shit? ” he asked, the other deer just shrugged, free onions was free onions. (continue reading…)

It was just coming on to dusk when Bryan woke up on his bed of bracken & straw, yawning he made his way over to the armchair he’d constructed out of packed earth & reclined tiredly, the chair was working out a lot better than the pocket. Reaching for the remote he went to turn on the TV, ” No “, he said to himself, tonight he’d get on with finding enough to eat first before settling down for some serious world watching. He’d possibly been overdoing the world watching & he felt it was time to get back in touch with his inner badger, to face the night as a hungry black & white ball of wrath foraging without fear or favour. Feeling a little more like his old self he decided to try for a zen like communication with the inner badger, ” What would his inner badger like to do tonight? ” he wondered idly, ” A really slutty lady badger ” said his inner badger, ” Good call ” thought Bryan, still, best to eat first, there were hardly any lady badgers in Spangly Woods for some reason & offhand he couldn’t think of one slutty one. Still, best not to dwell on it, finding enough food could be a trial in itself even for an omnivore like Bryan, girding his loins, which were in the way due to the aforementioned lack of lady badgers he headed out into the dusk ready to kill or, if it came to it, dig something up, it was what badgers did. (continue reading…)

It was too much to expect that the trouble would all be over just because the deer had demanded it, it would though be less of a problem thought Tom otter as he paddled across a stream gloriously unsullied by rat sailors, it wasn’t all plain sailing though, as he reached the bank there was a commotion & two rabbits emerged from a burrow locked in a complicated bundle. As he watched another rabbit came out from the burrow looking distinctly grumpy, ” I told you it wouldn’t work ” he said, ” we’re just not bendy enough “, the rabbit knot untied itself & regarded the speaker, ” I don’t care what you say Dad ” said one of them, ” it’s meant to be fun “, with that she stomped back into the burrow, ” Are you alright? ” asked Tom intrigued as to what was going on, ” Do you know anything about coloured dots, spinning sticks & contortions? ” asked the rabbit, ” No ” said Tom, ” I bloody wish I was you ” said the rabbit with feeling before slinking back down the hole. Tom shrugged to himself & slid back into the stream where he met a lot of ungrateful fish & a surprised newt, feeling happier with a full stomach he decided to go & see what stupidity Bryan the badger was up to, he liked Bryan but was concerned about his friends’ embrace of the new magic, Tom only watched the fishing anyway & none of the people were very good at it. On the way to Bryans’ house he passed a couple of Oddie watching deer & a weasel hot in pursuit of a garlic flavoured vole, like it or not he thought, life was certainly more interesting in the woods these days. (continue reading…)

It was late afternoon in Spangly Woods when the rain began, it wasn’t a big event, it had rained before & presumably would again, it was the annoying sort of rain that could go all night though & for the nocturnal residents it would be a drippy dinner tonight. The squirrels weren’t happy, they got the rain first & in their opinion for the longest too, one by one they gave up on berry hunting & headed for the big drey to watch some TV while they waited for the rain to stop & their stomachs to stop rumbling. With so many of the squirrels present though it was inevitable that there would be an argument over what world to watch, squirrels are naturally pedantic & it was only when the head squirrel started threatening to go nut hunting that peace was restored, ” Right ” he said, ” if you’re all going to act up because of a bit of weather then the weather world is what we’ll watch”. The squirrels groaned & sulked but the head squirrel was having none of it & the weather world was duly selected, it wasn’t that the animals of Spangly Wood could understand the forecast as such but more that people were so dumb that they needed little pictograms which were fairly self-explanatory. It was usually boring though, some clouds, some clouds with raindrops, the occasional sun & perhaps some snow every now & then, it wasn’t on much & then only for the squirrels to double check their instincts, today though the silly map was awash with black cloud & as the sequence ran it was clear that this wasn’t a good thing. (continue reading…)